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There's always a catch to it!

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  Copyright 2014 Phil Wheeler

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  Henry sat silently in his recliner, trying hard to not listen to his mother-in-law's utterances to his wife. The two were in the kitchen and his wife was making an attempt to talk quietly, but he could hear every word without much effort. It was always the same. The old bat would come over for a visit, make some feeble attempts at pleasantries with him, then wife and mother would retire to the kitchen and the bashing would begin.

  “Why did you ever marry such a loser?” the mother-in-law would screech. Her voice reminded him of the sound a barn owl makes as it sinks its claws into its victim. Screech!

  “Mother, please!” would come the reply.

  “What? He's in the other room watching TV.” Screeech went the voice.

  “You are talking about my husband, and the father of your grandchildren. Henry is a good man, why are you so hard on him?”

  “He's a loser. He's stuck in the same dead-end job he had when you married him, against my wishes I might add, and he hasn't had a raise in over three years! If he had any backbone he would have left there for something better by now.” Screeeeech!

  “He provides, and we do alright!”

  His wife's less than ringing endorsement hurt much more than the words of his mother-in-law. He turned off the TV, got up from his chair, and headed for the door. They lived about a mile from the ocean and, as he always did on days when his mother-in-law visited, he headed straight for it. It was late October and the winds whipping in from the ocean had a chill to them, but he didn't mind. That was less painful than listening to the screech of his mother-in-law – He could swear that sometimes he could feel claws sinking into his flesh! Thinking back, he could never remember a time when the woman had liked him, and it was a wonder that he had been able to successfully pursue and marry his wife. Even then, the times were tough and the economy tight, but he'd had a good job, and he'd continued to put food on the table and clothes on the backs of his two children. There was even money left over, a little to put in their small savings account, and a little for their short vacations. A lot of people were much worse off than them, so why did she not like – no, that wasn't right – why did she hate him? He walked down the deserted path to the beach, and stopped to look at the desolate sky. It was gray and cold and the clouds were being driven back and forth by a wet wind. It was grim and dark, just like his thoughts.

  For no particular reason, he decided on the path to his left, and walked along the wind-blown sand. The beach was covered in the flotsam and jetsam of the ocean; seaweed, driftwood, and garbage were everywhere, tossed there by the violent actions of the waves. The day was as turbulent as he felt inside, and as he walked he became more and more despondent. The trips to the beach were becoming more prevalent as his mother-in-law appeared to be stepping up the attacks. At first, his wife had defended him vigorously, but as the attacks became more frequent the defense became less energetic. Maybe his wife was wearing down, or maybe she was starting to believe her mother. He didn't know what to do – murder had crossed his mind. That was ruled out, he knew he couldn't take a life with his own two hands, not even one as annoying as his mother-in-laws, and he didn't have the money to pay somebody to do it for him. He did think about it, though, and the thought wasn't exactly an unpleasant one.

  Walking slowly along the beach his mind was preoccupied in his simmering anger, so he didn't see the object half-buried in the sand. He tripped, and came down hard on his side, looking back at whatever it was that had caused him to fall. It was an old-looking lamp, dirty and tarnished, and just laying there half buried. For a moment he didn't move, but finally he reached back and dug it out of the sand. It had a rounded midsection and bell-like base, and there was a small top covering an opening in the middle. The handle was curved, reminding him of the outline of an ear, and the spout was long and slender, protruding up and out like the neck of a swan. It looked just like the lamp in every movie about Aladdin that he'd ever seen. He gazed down at the object in his hands, ruefully thinking to himself how sweet it would be if this was truly a lamp with a Genie inside! There was some writing on it, partially obscured by dirt, and he absentmindedly rubbed at it with his sleeve. “Probably the manufacturer's name, or some inscription placed there by the previous owner.” he mumbled to himself.

  Suddenly, the lamp flew from his hands, landing a few feet away. Smoke began to bellow out of the spout, curling into a large cloud above it. He stared in amazement as a large, seemingly naked, man appeared in the cloud. No, he was only naked to the waist; from there down he appeared to be wearing red silk pantaloons. He was a big man with muscles on his muscles. His skin was the color of almonds, and his head was shaved smooth. In his left ear was a large gold earring, and around each wrist he wore thick gold bands. A goatee completed the ludicrous picture of a genie in a lamp straight from Hollywood.

  “Master, I am yours to command.” came the baritone voice, “What is your wish?”

  Henry said nothing, preferring to wait a while and see if the hallucination would stop. This could not be real, he must have inhaled some dust from the lamp when he was holding it, and it was affecting his mind. The alternative was that he had finally been driven over the edge by his mother-in-law, that he was nuts.

  The apparition looked down at him, then spoke again, “Master, you have three wishes, what is it that you desire most?”

  “Who are you?” was all that Henry could manage to produce.

  “I am the Genie of the lamp.” the large specter said, “and you may have three wishes.”

  Henry laughed; a great barrel roll of a laugh starting down in his belly and raising up his throat to exit his mouth in a rush. He could not contain himself, he laughed until his sides hurt and tears came to his eyes, then he laughed some more. There were only two possible choices here. One, he was crazy, or two, he was the luckiest SOB on the face of the earth. Against all reason, he decided to believe the latter to be true. “I can have anything that I want, right?”

  “With certain restrictions.” intoned the Genie.

  “Of course.” intoned Henry, “There's always a catch. So, what is it?”

  The Genie counted off on his fingers, “I cannot make anyone fall in love with you. I cannot raise the dead. I cannot bring about the death of someone by my own hand. I cannot do that which would be considered impossible according to the natural laws of this world.”

  “I don't quite follow that last one” said Henry, “what would be considered impossible according to the natural laws of this world?”

  “Well.”, said the Genie, “I cannot shift the moon in the sky, create a pile of gold out of this sand, drain the ocean, or keep Lindsey Lohan out of rehab.”

  “I see what you mean by the impossible!” Henry responded.

  “So, master.” asked the Genie, “Are you ready to begin?”

  Henry's face scrunched up into a grimace, he sensed that this would be life-changing and didn't want to waste any of his picks. “Is there anything else that I need to know?” he asked.

  The Genie looked down at Henry from his Smokey cloud, “There is one more thing that is important to know. Karma must be kept in balance.”

  “Karma?” asked Henry.

  “Yes, for every action in the wor
ld there must be a balancing reaction, for every yin there must be a yang. In your case, this pertains to your mother-in-law.”

  “What?” said the startled Henry, “Why is she involved with this?”

  “Because you and her are out of balance, she is black to your white, night to your day, anchovy to your ice cream, and Karma must be balanced.”

  Henry felt sick to his stomach. He did not know where this whole Karma thing was going, but he sensed that it would end badly for him. “Give it to me straight, what does all this mean?”

  “What it means is simple.” said the Genie, “Because of the animosity between you and your mother-in-law a Karmic imbalance has been created in the universe that can only be righted by a realigning and redistribution of the Chi.”

  “The Chi?”

  “Yes, it is the energy that drives the universe, the gathering of the yin and yang, it is balance.” (Henry had no idea what the Genie was talking about, but he knew that it